Jonathan Grigsby’s Online Journal

I went to my therapist again today. Its so difficult– my life. She, my therapist, is so nice and makes everything a lot clearer. Sorry my thoughts are so random. I have a headache.

We talked about the difficulty I’m having coming to terms with some harsh facts about myself: love, sex, religion, fear, rejection, etcetera. Dammit! I just remembered that I was suppose to do daily affirmations! Will you remind me to do it tomorrow?

I’m going to Susannah’s tomorrow afternoon. I probably can’t afford to go with school and all, but, I don’t know, I figure I’m doing poorly anyway… what’s a little more procrastination?

I’m not getting into medical school. And I don’t mean just this year either. Med schools don’t want me. I’m not med school material. I think I’m doctor material, but not med school material. How does that work?

Dammit! I’m so lonely! I’m sick of it!

I’m sick of it.

Jacob and I went to Anza-Borrego State Park on Saturday and we had a great time. We saw one of the last stands of the only native California palm in it’s natural habitat.
We had a great time!

Sunday I went to church and accepted to give a talk on Easter Sunday, which is also Mom’s birthday. I said I’d also sing “He Is Not Here For He Has Risen,” which Mom used to sing on Easter. I wanted to go away for Spring Break and not be here Sunday, but I think it would be a nice birthday present to Mom if I did talk and sing in church… she’d want me too.

After church I went to north OC to eat with Zach and his family for his birthday dinner (albeit 3 weeks late!). I met all of his immediate family, save his oldest niece. We had a good time. While there, I picked up my cell phone, which I’d inadvertantly left in Zach’s car Thursday night after my concert.

Monday I skipped class and went to the beach! It was a beautiful day (70 and sunny) and I HAD to go! Please don’t be disappointed that I played hookey!

I didn’t realize how important my cell phone was until I realized today that I didn’t have it. I think I left it in Zach’s car last night. Problem is, I can’t call him to ask. Email is useful for keeping in touch, but I need instant communication. Also, its difficult to relay messages to people when they don’t even check their email. I sure hope my phone’s in Zach’s car. What am I going to do if I’ve lost it?

Tonight I was going to go out with Adam, my brother, after he got off work. Today was his last day working in Upland (about 25 miles away). He thought he’d stay one more night, but it turns out they wanted him to leave tonight. So I didn’t go out with Adam.

Before I was to go out with my brother, I’d originally asked Alicia to go dancing with me. After I found out it was a no go with Adam, I reinvited her. She said she would, but only after a long time of persuasion. This all went down around 4pm. I told her I’d take a nap and then I’d come by at 9:30pm to drive to Riverside. Well, I started to go up at 8pm, but she’d left a note on my door saying she couldn’t go. So, I didn’t go out dancing next time. She said she’d make it up to me. We’ll see.

Tchau

Today I met with my therapist. She is amazing, if I do say so myself. I talked to her about my relationship issues. We discussed my problem of wanting to be loved, but not returning love for fear of rejection. Or something like that. I don’t remember, but I do remember that she wants me to start a real journal and she wants to analyze my thoughts. She suggested I do dailly affirmations in front of the mirror too. I think my first affirmation tomorrow should be “I have a wonderful therapist!”
Tonight was my first concert with my string ensemble here at school. I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy playing my viola with others. Am I fooling myself? Should I’ve been a professional musician? I don’t know. Anyways, we played two Mozart Divertimenti (I and III) and something by a Peter Warlock– I think its 20th C. music. They went really well. Zach came up to hear me play and Chris came too. Even my apt mate came and listened, Javier. It was Chris’s first time and I think it was Zach’s first time too at an orchestra concert. Can you believe that? I’m dumbfounded at some people’s lack of culture… oh well.

Tchau

Today I got back my second Animal Physiology test. I did better than the first one, but I missed my goal by 3 points, which I guess isn’t too bad; I got a 77. You don’t want to know how I did on my first test– yikes!

Tomorrow we have our first concert for “orchestra.” Its more like a string ensemble. Anyways, the extra violist they hired was really getting on my nerves. Yeah, I know she’s probably been playing 50 years (about twice my age), but she could’ve been a little less of a know it all. Oh well. I think it will all go well.

Tchau